Diaries of a Failure

01 Power Cut//What does a moth do in the dark? (31/10/2024)

you're not a failure she'd intervene, every single time I slipped up and called myself one. But now the light has gone out and it's dark again.
She didn't pass away or any thing…it just turns out she hid a lot of darkness within. We don't talk as much anymore and I can only hope she is working her way through it…if only I could get over myself I could've done for her what she, briefly, did for me. But I'm a failure even at being there for those who were there for me.

02 What's that? In the distance... (01/11/2024)

I feel like im standing on the shore. I can see something rising in the distance. I can tell it'll be trouble, something to be frightened of, despite its true form enveloped by a dense fog. I can tell it sees me, whether it is aware of me, I'm not so sure, but it looking in my direction. I can feel my future slip away. I feel the ground beneath me begin to crack. The people who I should be close to are now drifting away, or am I pushing them away? I'm not so sure of this either. Dying seems easier than living.

03 Does anyone else...//exhaustion (04/11/2024)

Does anyone else consume content till exhaustion so that they don't have to lie there in the dark, waiting for sleep, while they get assaulted by their own thoughts? I decided to go to sleep early today but I just laid there for 3 hours. By the end, I couldn't find the right position to sleep in. I listen to songs at a very low volume as I go to sleep but today none of the songs felt right and I was hounded by the thought that I'm wasting everything...I'm wasting the oppurtinity I have, the life that I have. For some reason, I kept thinking I don't deserve any of this. I feel so fucking lost. I mean, I know people are supposed to feel lost in their early 20s but it can't be this bad, right? Not to mention, I live with my parents currently but they won't be around for much longer since they'll be leaving in a little bit. The closer I get to that date the more I've realized I'm an emotional person. I've had a string of bad days recently but each time I came home to my parents I felt "things were gonna be just fine"...but now that they won't be around, idk how I'm gonna cope with it. I saw that one scene in Mr. Robot in season 1 episode 1, I believe, where Eliot breaks down crying beceause he couldn't hold in his lonliness anymore. I don't know why but that scene stuck with me even though I was relatively happy back then. Now that I think about it, the reason it stuck with me was probably because I saw a distant version of myself in him...but now I feel like I'm in a car, hurtling towards it, its not so distant anymore.

04 Tap Tap (06/11/2024)

There is a window on the wall behind my bed, just slightly above the bed rest. My blinds, like always, are shut. I can't see outside, I prefer it that way. I live in a pretty quiet area so normally I don't hear anything either. Just a short while ago, however, I heard a light tapping noise coming through the glass pane, as though someone was testing how delicate the glass pane is. It subsided as quickly as it started. I just barely managed to catch it. I reluctantly looked around to find where it might be coming from and sure enough it was coming from the other side of the window. I didn't dare open my blinds, I just stared at them instead, hoping for whoever it may have been to find someone else to haunt and leave me alone. I was frozen, paralyzed. Then there came another sound. This time it sounded different - still a tap but they were no longer tapping on the glass. The noise was coming from above me, from the other side of the ceiling. My eyes moved to follow the sound, and the sound moved, as though it knew it had my undivided attention. Gentle taps began to emerge from all around my walls, filling the room with a sound not dissimilar to rain. The taps grew both in number and volume. Please make them stop. I couldn't take it anymore, I put my hands to my ears and tried to block it out. My eyes, which were shut tight at this point, began to hurt. The noise came to a sudden halt, a break from the rainfall caused me to pull back my hand. I slowly opened my eyes but before I could brace myself, my eyes fell on my door - a thin wooden door, my ears were red now and focused on the sound coming from the other side. A gentle tap...a knock. Following a gentle tap my door slowly swung open letting in nothing but darkness.

05 I gotta pee (07/11/2024 [1 am])

If I stay up to late into the night, I will, inevitably, at some point in the night, need to go pee. The bathroom is only a few feet away from my room but everytime I stand at the toilet to pee I can see the large room next to mine through the bathroom mirror. That room stores all our extra junk, as such, it is quite dark in there. I'm afraid that if I look into the darkness something might look back at me. Moreover, when I leave my room, who knows what might use that oppurtunity to sneak in and hide as though its a surprise party, but instead of jumping out and yelling surprise they remain hidden and watch. Only the shadows know with what intention they might stalk me, if I let them. They say holding in your pee is bad for your kidneys, well I'll have pretty messed up kidneys if I have to live in this house for much longer. Thankfully, I don't hear the tapping anymore, because this nightly excursion to pee is bad enough. The journey is always acompanied by the eerie silence of the house along with random creaking of the wooden floor boards.